sick

sometimes when i'm going through the day i'll start composing blog posts in my head based on the stupid things that catch my attention and receive even a small amount of mental energy. when i actually sit down to blog, all of those are gone, i can't remember what hilarious observations i made and i draw a blank. OR, tons of things that come to mind to say are totally inappropriate and so i sadly decide maybe i shouldn't share.

today though, i'm going to share- yesterday i was totally sick, like, dry heaving in bed while attempting to find the one position to lay in that would keep the sick and aches at bay. i am not complaining, just stating a fact: IT WAS TERRIBLE and i felt like i was dying. i'm pretty sure i ate something weird the night before because i felt fine and then BAM!

the worst lasted about 4 hours long, i couldn't sleep, just prayed that i could get through one more minute and swearing up and down that if i could make it through i would, you know, donate a kidney, go on service missions to africa, change my ways, and maybe even VOTE in the presidential election (the important things, people, priorities).

then, somewhere in the midst of this i started having this conversation of sorts in my head. it turned into this 4 hour epiphany, i couldn't shut my brain off and it was kind of like i was out of my body looking at myself. this turned into a life evaluation that i really didn't want to participate in but whatever part of my head that was forcing this on me basically told me to shut up and listen.

you know that cliche, you are your own worst enemy? that kind of was the theme of this epiphany. i consider myself a nice person, but at times i have a very abusive relationship with myself. anyone else feel that way? i mean, those thoughts of "you stupid idiot, how did you let this happen?" "wow, if you would stop eating your feelings you wouldn't be such a fat slob" and "WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU THINKING, WOMAN?!?!?!"

this kind of nonsense would be absolutely unacceptable to say to another human being, and in no way to i deserve it either!!! at some points in my life, the way i've treated myself, if done to another human being, would probably result in being locked up for a quick minute.

i'm not even aware half the time of how i'm treating myself. i think i'm just motivating myself, pushing, a tough coach that is just trying to help. but seriously people, kindness and love will get a person so much further than shaming. 

if you're one of those rare people who can't relate to anything i've said, you may be thinking "girl is CRA" and i'll tell you what, if that's the case it's time to sing kum ba yah with your people.

if you CAN relate on any level, join me in a quest to learn how to love your Self. it's time to take care of myself like a good parent- "heather, eat your veggies" "i love you baby" "everything is going to work out, let's watch a show and eat lucky charms" ect..

i woke up this morning feeling so much better. you know when you are really sick or something terrible is going on, and then it's over- that sense of being a new person and all the opportunities and life to live are suddenly available again? that happened. the whole experience was a pretty horrific metaphor for my life, and on this side of it, all i can say is it's time to live my life, and i mean really LIVE it.

i am on a mission to fill my time with things that make me feel ALIVE. photography is one, art is another, snuggles with my puppy, deep conversations with friends, cooking and eating (food is basically sacred to me, maybe i should revaluate this relationship) and laying in the sun. oh, also rain, driving just to drive, music that hits my heart and i feel all through my body, dancing, and writing.

what makes YOU feel alive? how do you want to start treating yourself better? leave a comment, let's talk!

ink and flowers

ink and flowers