holding back

i have nothing to do with my time today, hence the stream of posts from this blog hitting your blog reader.

today i wrote this long post about one of my terrible coping mechanisms which has to do with overspending. it involved a stories filled with sarcasm and humor.

i didn't post it, obviously; it's still in my drafts folder.

i started writing a book today, well, it's basically shapeless but i have a lot to say so i'm letting it sort of tumble out however it will. i'll go back and hash it out later.

you know that "Voice" in your head, the one who tells you what a pathetic and worthless mass of human flesh you are, compared to so and so and so? oh, maybe that's just me. *clears throat nervously* anyhow, for those of you who understand it, it's basically been telling me all morning that nobody's going to be interested at all in anything i have to say, that people will be horrified by my honesty if they do happen to give it a glance, and that i'm too non-commital to follow through anyway so why bother with starting another project i won't finish. also, i tend to laugh inappropriately at things that other people say aren't funny, so maybe my take on life will horrify readers?

there is some truth to that last bit (maybe all of it, i'll pretend not because i'm trying to preserve self-esteem here people), but WHAT THE HECK, millions of other people have written books, and i feel like writing a book. so i'm going to, as long as i keep interest.

so then i think, a book? really heather, you're going to write a book that's going to be real and honest, and you can't even get yourself to publish a measly blog post that's kind of personal?

oh gee.

well, i guess if the scribblings (electronic scribblings that is) i get down end up taking some decent form, maybe i'll follow through and let it out- unleash, out of control, like woodstock in '69 up in here, up in here, excepting nudity and death. just mild rioting maybe.

let's be real, i'm not that exciting. there was a point in my life where my daily activities vascilated between fridge openings and couch sittings.

once i had a friend tell me that she'd seriously considered calling the police to report a missing person (me) because i'd gone out for the day and she didn't find me on my couch. she was worried i'd been abducted?

i've learned to cope with the highs and lows of life by laughing at how ridiculous things are. there are exceptions to this, paper cuts for example. serious trauma.  war. other than that, everything is pretty much fair game. i mean, it's either laugh or cry sometimes people, and who would choose the later over the former?

for example, apparently there was a man who recently jumped into a tiger cage because he wanted to be "one with the tiger" (thanks @ladytigerproductions)- he ended up in the hospital obviously. i really hope one day he can laugh at himself, because if he can't he's going to be smackin himself upside the head for a lot of years.